2023 has definitely had some highs and its share of lows for me. As I shared in The Mental Work in Your Mental Wellbeing, various pressures sank me into a low place earlier this year. I’m not one to recap or share details of very personal situations, but I can tell you the biggest lesson I’m taking away from the recent challenges.
For my whole life, my parents have hammered into me the long-standing adage of you can’t change other people. I’ve claimed to understand it and have probably touched on it on this here blog, but deep down, I’ve struggled to truly live by it. Even as I write this, I know better than to say I’ve mastered it 100%, but I’m getting there.
People know me as a never give up kind of individual, which has propelled me in my physical and career pursuits. While I continue to live by it—and in all honesty sometimes still need to reinforce it in my core—the mantra can trip you up in certain isolated cases, especially when you’re attempting something that can’t be done. Trying to change other people falls into that category for sure.
Granted, it’s possible to influence people, and that happens in most relationships. We shouldn’t underestimate the impact we can have on others, even if they seem like a lost cause. That said, our best efforts still may fail if somebody is unwilling to be reached. In such a scenario, a never give up mentality can end up taxing you.
A mental image that’s come to me lately is tugging on a rope attached to a literal ton of bricks. If you tell yourself, “I’m not giving up until this load at least budges,” you’ll likely end up there for far too long, exerting all of the energy you have, and only have bloody palms to show for it. Similarly, a person who doesn’t want to be guided can be that kind of immovable force that pays no notice to the energy we invest in them or the toll it’s taking on us.
Ironically, however, someone might give us a false sense of control by blaming us for their mistakes. If we let them take us as passengers on their guilt trip, we’ll fall into the trap of thinking we can govern their happiness by changing ourselves. Is this possible?
Again, relationships are supposed to be give-and-take. Thus, they require compromise, and if you do something that you know irritates another person, you should try to be mindful of it. Of course, everybody makes mistakes, and we ought to own them when we do and accept accountability. At the same time, we must realize how limited we are in altering his/her persona as well as the fact that happiness is an inside job, within a person’s core. While we want to strive to contribute to that, we can’t make that choice for them.
At this reflective point of the year when we ponder the old and prepare for the new, let’s try to take stock of what we can control and break free of the ropes attached to what we can’t. That way, we can channel our strength to worthwhile pursuits. We can still make a difference in somebody’s life without even intending to. Along with that, we can endeavor to be receptive to others’ attempts to make a difference in ours.
KarinaBartow.com 
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